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I'm not good enough
I'm such a failure
I'm always disappointing someone
God can't use me
People don't like me
I have nothing special to offer
I fuss and fret too much
I can't find balance in life
I can't follow God consistently
I'll never be able to change
These are the thoughts that hover over me. I've lived in these shadows for most of my memorable life. From time to time, doubts enter my being like dark clouds. A storm rages within. I emerge- conscious bruised and heart torn.
And, yet, it is in this fractured and fragmented state of being that God calls out to me with even greater tenacity and love. He is fighting for me and pulling me from the shadow of my doubts.
I find myself in that dark place each time my thoughts fixate solely on myself- how well I measure up and how well I'm liked. I try and try, but to no avail. I step back into the shadow. When my attention is on myself, then it is not on God. I believe lies, not truth. God is the source of truth, and that truth shines light into darkness.
I must turn my thoughts completely to God. I've written above how I often consider myself, but how does He consider me? How much greater is He, His strength, and His consideration of me than my own?
I wasn't created to find light elsewhere or to be light. Such attempts will always produce a storm. God desires for me to live in such a way that my life radiates Him and His truth. I was created to confidently live in light, not shadows. He is drawing me out, and drawing me near.
As I consider my children sweetly sleeping this morning, my heart is burdened for the storms and shadows that will surely arise one day in their lives. A renewed sense of purpose swells up within me. I feel the Lord urging me forward into light in my personal life, not just for myself but for these children. I pray that His light might shine so bright in my life that the children can't help to be drawing to it- to Him.