Monday, September 22, 2014

Too Tired To Be a Wife and/or Mama

   Today has been one of those days. One of those days in which the television screen probably could have been a better mama than me. My strength to perform the roles of wife and mama is critically low. I'm bone tired.

    I'm the weakest when I'm exhausted. My capacity to display patience and love diminishes drastically. I'm far from the wife and mama I want to be on these days. I scream and yell. I speak harshly. I walk away from them repeatedly to cool off. I know they're not intentionally trying to push every button of mine, but I still struggle. I'm so ashamed of my behavior on these days. I pray that Tennyson won't remember them, and that I can somehow learn to overcome before he does reach an age in which he is negatively impacted. I want him to have fond memories of his mama, not such poor ones that he can't wait to grow up and leave. Days like today I question my ability to be a mama. I also question whether I should deserve to ever have more children. It's a low point for sure.

    The cause for exhaustion stems from the fact that even though Tennyson is eight months old he often still sleeps like a newborn that is up every couple of hours. I wish I knew why he does this or how to correct his behavior. He doesn't wake up upset or in any sort of distress (such as if he was in discomfort from teething). Instead, he wakes up ready to explore and play. He's always done this. He'll be content and play for a bit, but then will cry if not attended to at some point. I think part of the issue is that he sees us across the room and wants our attention. We had planned on leaving his crib in our room until he was a year old, but I'm ready to move him to his own room. My husband, however, wants him to remain close. We're still "discussing" the matter. (With a night like last night followed by an overtired fussy and nap-less day today, my "discussing" may become a bit louder). At this point I need some more rest. I need him to learn a little quicker to sleep independently. We all need better days to remain healthy as individuals and as a family.

    (Sleepless nights often mean he's overtired the next day. He'll be so fussy and yet continue to resist taking naps beyond 20-30 minute catnaps at which point he wakes and is ready to get up. That means not much opportunity for me to rest as well.).  I took Tennyson on a walk this afternoon hoping he'd fall asleep for a nap. It's bad when you can fall asleep walking. He got drowsy but stayed awake. I rocked him for a bit when we got in, but he pushed back wanting down to play. I then laid him in his crib, stepped out of the room, and cried big tears of desperation. He's such an "angel" baby with a very happy and content personality...except when it comes to sleeping. It's like he just doesn't want to miss out on anything. It is wearing me out. They say you'll be tired when you're a mama, but I never imagined I'd be this tired for eight months.

     I've finally gotten him to sleep, and so I'm going to go lay down as well. I wanted to take a moment to get some of this off my chest. *Sigh* It's been such a miserable day. Hopefully this afternoon nap will do us both some good and we'll have a much better evening.

2 comments:

  1. Oh man do I hear you! The worst is when you know you are being ridiculous and mean and whiney, but you really can't seem NOT to be. I'm sure you are getting tons of advice on this, but my midwives gave me a book called The No Cry Sleep Solution. I like it because it is very flexible, doesn't involve allowing baby to cry, and really is just full of good ideas. It's helped us a lot

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly!

      Thanks for the book recommendation! I quickly placed it in my Amazon cart, and am looking forward to reading through it. Hopefully we'll find a solution soon. :)

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